Signs You’re With a “Narcissistic Woman”

Many of us have been through it… dating what we casually refer to as a “crazy” woman. If you live and date long enough, you might meet a woman who is  emotionally or psychologically/emotionally abusive and non-reciprocating.

I endured one such relationship in the past, and I know quite a few of you reading this have as well.

To be clear, this is not an attack on women in general. This is a specific attempt to describe narcissistic women or those with such qualities.

To be fair, most people who fall into this category statistically are men. This is NOT a woman-bashing article by any means. Women readingnarcissist checklist this article can also apply the same criteria when evaluating the man they are dating. Certainly, most men and women do not fall into this category (only 1% of the U.S. population is clinically narcissistic), and people who attempt to suggest otherwise are typically jaded, disillusioned, and suffering from serious issues themselves.

We all act selfish, over-dramatic and immature at times in our relationships. Please don’t rush to quick conclusions if your mate acts in these ways occasionally. Narcissistic people act this way much of the time in their relationships. Narcissistic Personality Disorder can only be diagnosed by a trained professional.

If a woman exhibits any combination of the following qualities OFTEN, she MIGHT BE narcissistic. If this assessment is correct, this woman is not your normal multi-layered and complex woman with her fair share of flaws…this woman in fact, might suffer from a personality disorder. If so, this person has actual issues which must be diagnosed and treated. There are different causes and risk factors associated with NPD,  and you can become familiar with them.

First you should know that people afflicted with this disorder typically developed it during their childhood as a result of parental neglect and/or abuse.

Narcissistic people don’t usually know they are, and will usually not change without counseling and treatment. In other words, simply pleading with them to change, will NOT WORK!

You might be tempted to stay, because such women and their male counterparts are often exciting and fun. Their overly dramatic up and down behavior may be thrilling at times and create powerful memories. They initially come off as very confident, sexy and secure. These qualities and experiences can become addictive. They are unfortunately, only part of an elaborate act to cover up their deep insecurities and issues, which you won’t typically discover until you are deep into a long-term relationship.

Just remember that none of thes good memories   or fun experiences is worth the continued drama, power struggles, ugly fights, and headaches you’ll have to endure. When you see a combination of these signs regularly, don’t make excuses for her. Don’t “try to understand or save her” (unless you are clinically qualified to do so). Take the exit ramp immediately and free yourself to enjoy a loving and healthy relationship. That’s what I eventually did, and I am eternally grateful! Let’s describe some narcissistic qualities or experiences:

1. She intentionally tries to make you jealous. A narcissistic woman will deliberately do inappropriate things with other men in front of you. This is because she is deeply insecure or feels deeply inadequate, and must do such things to compel you to compete for her love or give her more attention. Mature women will just communicate their needs to you without arguments and drama. A narcissistic woman deliberately seeks admiration from other men. She might run her hands through another guy’s hair, touch on his arms and comment on how strong he is, or any number of suggestive things when she knows you’re watching.

2. She has unreasonable standards or expectations. Every self-respecting person has preferences and healthy standards, but hers are almost impossible to meet. This is because she is narcissistic and feels entitled  to treatment she doesn’t deserve. This woman’s motto is: “It’s all about me.” Don’t expect her to empathize with you. This is not in her makeup. Underneath all her drama, she suffers from low self-esteem and lacks self-worth. She will charm you and flatter you to get the attention, flattery, pleasure or gifts she wants and punish you when she doesn’t. And a narcissistic woman will eventually discard you and act like she never knew you (unless you sever the relationship first). She wants you to neglect other important parts of your life (job, business, family, friends) for her. No matter what the situation or person involved, SHE must come first. She will accuse you of putting other things before her and then question if you love her at all. She may even say things like, “I should come before your job, your children, your family, and everything else!” No matter what you do, she will find fault with it, and you will never please her because she is insatiable. Meanwhile, she never puts you before her other friends and interests! This is a not so subtle form of controlling you. It also indicates that she is very selfish and unwilling to reciprocate – a narcissistic woman will NEVER put you first in her life, although she expects you to do so for her.

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3. She is materialistic and money-grubbing: She is quick to tell you what her girlfriend’s man bought for her or where he took her for vacation. She wants you to feel insecure, and like you must compete to buy/earn her love and appreciation. When you buy her something, she wants to know why you didn’t get the bigger or more expensive version. She may even get the jewelry you gifted her appraised behind your back to find out how much money you spent on the gift. She may also try to keep tabs on how much you make and do all she can to see that most of it goes to her directly or indirectly. They believe the money they make belongs to them and the money you make as well! Most women want and deserve a nice gift from time to time. But mature women value YOU more than any gift and won’t try to control you or your money.

4. She’s addicted to drama. No matter who you’re with romantically, no matter how nice she is, you will sometimes argue with her. This is normal. But a narcissistic  woman will deliberately start arguments, call you ugly names, insult your children, throw something at you, talk bad about your mama, degrade your dad, try to hit you, call the police on you, or do anything to disrupt the peace. You will have no clue why she is upset, or how such a small thing started such a big fight. This is another form of control. Then, after starting a bitter fight, she’ll become sweet and sexy. It’s as if she needs drama to keep you engaged and to prove you care about her. Relationships with truly narcissistic people often involve regular physical and verbal fights, many of which go far beyond your normal scope of arguments in a relationship. As you can imagine, this quickly becomes draining (and dangerous).

5. She isolates you from family, friends and interests. Because she believes she is the center of the universe and even the universe itself, she will try to make you feel guilty when you spend time with yournarcissim quote2 friends, family or hobbies. She will do and say things around your friends and family that make them not want to be around. She may hide your mail and not tell you when someone called. She might even try to tell your friends and relatives that you are mad with them and don’t want to see them anymore! You may also make the decision to isolate yourself by refusing to bring people you care about around because her behavior is so unpredictable and embarrassing. Whether she isolates you or you isolate yourself because of her antics, this works to her advantage. She wants you all to herself, not to make you happy, not because she sincerely adores you, but so you can give her your undivided (and non-reciprocated) attention, and cater to her innumerable needs and desires.

6. She blatantly lies and denies everything she said or did that is toxic. This woman will NEVER admit to doing or saying anything wrong. In her mind, she is perfect and YOU are the problem! This tactic is convenient because it always comes up when you are raising a legitimate grievance. By keeping you on the defensive or by denying everything, she never has to be accountable for her own actions.

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7. Even her girlfriends subtly suggest that she’s “crazy.” A woman’s female friends will usually be protective of her and her reputation. They don’t want to do or say anything to make her look bad or to cause her partner to raise an eyebrow. A narcissistic woman’s girlfriends however (if they respect you and think you’re a decent guy)  will sometimes give you clues that she “isn’t working with a full deck.” Sometimes they’ll tell you directly that they don’t understand why she behaves that way. They may even tell you, “You’re a good man and I respect you, so you might wanna just go your separate way and spare yourself the pain,” or “She’s always been like that, none of us understand it.”

They’ve seen her with other men and seen the same toxic and unreasonable behavior from her before. They begin to figure out that ALL of those guys weren’t that bad, and that the majority of the problem might be HER. Often, this woman will be very loving with you around her friends/relatives, and may even brag about you and your accomplishments. She thrives on being seen as a successful and empowered person. But she won’t share any of her toxic behavior or her relationship problems with her friends because she fears being exposed. Therefore this woman will stress that she is “private” about her business (even with her closest friends). She may only exhibit this toxic behavior with lovers, so sometimes her friends won’t know how she acts behind closed doors.

8. She criticizes everything about you and never seems to honor your perspective on things. In her opinion, no item of clothing, cologne, haircut or anything belonging to you is ever good. Whatever opinion you voice, she gives the opposite side. Whatever you love, she hates. You always find yourself wanting to defend your opinion or judgement. This is not healthy or normal. Your lady will naturally see some things differently from you. But when they seem to have a problem with almost everything, you have serious troubles on your hands.

9. She uses sex as leverage. Women have the right to be tired, have headaches or generally not be in the mood for intimacy. Narcissistic women however, will deny sex to punish you for not complying with their unreasonable expectations.  Let’s say you planned a date and had to reschedule due to a problem at the job? She’ll take that personally and punish you by giving you the cold shoulder. She may deliberately give you the cold shoulder until you apologize repeatedly, or beg like a broken and desperate loser ( if you allow such). On the other hand, they also use sex or pleasure as a superficial way to make you feel desired and loved for the purpose of getting you to give them something or do want they want.

To conclude with a summary from another writer, “In her manipulation she may even fool you that she cares about you, but in reality you don’t count one bit, because she is at the center of her own make believe world where she is Queen. Her world starts and stops with herself, but she goes out of her way to disguise that fact from everyone she comes into relationship with (her husband, boyfriend, children, parents, siblings, friends and work colleagues)….The individual may think that you are in a relationship, but soon you’ll become aware that you are in a one sided relationship devoted only to the narcissists’ needs. When you  look for a reciprocal relationship, the narcissist female becomes disinterested and bored very quickly, and the relationship comes to an abrupt and inexplicable end. The narcissistic female becomes cold, uninterested and remote, and the relationship is all but over to your bewilderment.” 

Of course, you have the option to end such a relationship yourself before it comes to this. If she abruptly ends the relationship, you will likely fight to keep her in your life at first. Ironically, people often stay with narcissistic mates for years, thinking they can “save” them, thinking something is wrong with themselves, or mesmerized by the short-lived memories of the great sex and romance they once enjoyed.

Try to remember all the chronic fights and other toxic behavior that made you feel miserable and frustrated most of the time.  Unless you are a remarkably strong and secure individual, prolonged experiences in such relationships can negatively affect your own confidence and sanity. You also have the option to learn more about this disorder and work with your partner to get help. You’ve been warned…

________________________________

Agyei Tyehimba is an educator, activist and author from Harlem, N.Y. Agyei is a former NYC public schoolteacher, co-founder of KAPPA Middle School 215 in the Bronx, NY, and co-author of the Essence Bestselling book, Game Over: The Rise and Transformation of a Harlem Hustler, published in 2007 by Simon & Schuster. In 2013, he wrote The Blueprint: A BSU Handbook, teaching Black student activists how to organize and protest. In April of 2014, he released Truth for our Youth: A Self-Empowerment Book for Teens. Agyei has appeared on C-SpanNY1 News, and most recently on the A&E documentary, The Mayor of Harlem: Alberto ‘Alpo’ Martinez.” 

Agyei earned his Bachelor’s Degree in sociology from Syracuse University, his Master’s Degree in Africana Studies from Cornell University, and his Master’s Degree in Afro-American Studies from the University of Massachusetts at Amherst.

If you are interested in bringing Agyei to speak or provide consultation for your organization, please contact him at truself143@gmail.com.

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40 thoughts on “Signs You’re With a “Narcissistic Woman”

  1. Uh oh, I might be a narcissist. I am self centered, greedy and immature. I always admit my faults though…
    I have sense of entitlement. I want and want and have no means. I want to be precious to someone. I think sometimes if someone truly loved me they’d want to care for me and provide for my needs and wants and it’d not be an inconvenience or chore for them. I act submissive but I’m truly not because I end up becoming resentful. I act sweet, I’m really not. I think horrible thoughts. I’m insecure, jealous and spiteful. My poor fiancé. He’s a saint, putting up with my drama and crazy bullshit. I have counseling appointment tomorrow. I hope I can recover and change. ?

    • No, you’re far too self aware to be a narcissist. They wouldn’t even think that there is something wrong with them, and they most certainly will not admit it unless doing so is a means of getting something that they want.

      • There is a difference between someone whom suffers from Malignant Narcissism and one who suffer from Narcissistic Personality Disorder. Those who score medium to medium high on the associated tests in regards to Narcissistic Inventory have the ability to be self-aware, however, it doesn’t mean that they will seek help or do so willingly if they should figure out they are of this psychological makeup.

        NPD, on the other hand, aren’t self-aware and when you bring it up to them, they will fight you tooth and nail, calling you the NPD and insist you get help and not them.

        The one thing that many people get confused is that we’re all narcissistic. There are two main forms of it; beneficial and malignant. Everyone that is psychologically sound has a beneficial variant of narcissism. When you have beneficial narcissism, you are self aware and score low on the Narcissistic Inventory test.

        Another thing about NPD, it’s often times misdiagnosed. People that suffer from it may have sociopathy or psychopathy as well.

        What is a psychopath or sociopath?

        1. Has extremely high scores on the Narcissistic Inventory.
        2. Shows strong traits of Machiavellianism.
        3. Has psychopathic traits, that fall under Anti-Social Personality Disorder.

        If you’re curious, these three are also known as the dark triad.

        The vast majority of malignant narcissists you encounter in your dating life, are just that, MNs and not NPDs, let alone extreme end of the ASPDs.

        Now, I won’t call your a malignant narcissist because you certainly don’t fit the profile. Someone that is entitled and self-centered tend to be ego-maniacs, do it for the ego stroke or trip. You appear to be a garden variety version of that. Also, if you are a control freak you may fall into the category of megalomania, that’s a bit more further up the scale from an ego-maniac but still below that of a malignant narcissist. NPD is on the far end (top end) scale of Narcissistic Inventory, by the way.

        Now, people also have to realize that someone that is suffering from a disorder or a psychological malady may not even have malignant narcissism, it could be something else that has similar overlapping traits. Another psychological malady and associated disorder is known as histronic. Google it and start reading. This malady and personality disorder has many overlapping traits with malignant narcissists and borderlines. Sometimes it hard to figure out what someone has because you rely on your own observations and patient’s own statements which may or may not be true. Granted, there are tests that can show cognitive dissonance and/or impairment, among other things but psychoanalysis really isn’t so much a science as it’s an art. Despite the mathematics, weighted scales and statistics employed by those in the field. You have to remember, that what they say about you or others is purely an “opinion”. Seek out numerous “opinions” from professionals in the field that don’t know each other. If they all say the same thing and it doesn’t look good, get in for treatment. If they’re all different but your story stayed the same. There is a good chance you might not actually be ill and they’re looking to keep you coming back to line their pockets. If one has truly got a psychological or psychiatric problem, it should be very obvious to the doctors.

        P.S. If you’re an only child and were spoiled rotten when you were a kid, this could explain why you feel entitled. If this is in fact the case. Don’t immediately think you’re sick.

        Ironically, in medical school, as well as in psychology and psychiatry; students tend to want to “self-diagnose”, fear the worst about themselves. You can’t self-diagnose, it doesn’t work!

      • Thank you Alex, for your thorough and informative commentary. I agree that we cannot rush to judgment or hasty conclusions. As I wrote, we must do research and get clinical help. Self diagnosis definitely is not advised.

  2. I have been in a toxic relationship for 5 years…whew! Your description of my relationship with a narcissistic girlfriend is spot on. Unfortunately, I was blinded by my infatuation with her. Just relized, she could care less about me.
    Working to get past this torrid affair and regain my sanity, and control of my life.
    Thank you!

      • Brilliant article, I came on this site because I was thinking my partner of 2 years is driving me crazy. I just left her a few hours ago for the 4th time.
        Never going back.I have been on antidepressant since I have been with her.
        THANK YOU. I AM FREE!!!!!!

  3. Thank you,,,hard to find information on men surviving abusive narcissist women. I have been in a relationship with a woman for two years and actually married her. I started going to counseling a couple of months ago while I was still in the relationship to find out “what was wrong with me”. I had lost who I was, relationships with family and friends were going down hill, her drinking was escalating, she was trying to make me lose my jobs by emailing my employer things that were not true, her contact with other men was escalating, i couldn’t do anything correctly, my health was going down hill, if I did not answer the phone when she called I would be threatened that my phone or internet would be turned off, always got yelled at if I paid a bill etc. Also finding out everything she had told me about her past was a complete lie. Nothing about her life was true.You could imagine my shock when the counselor told me that I was in an abusive relationship and needed to get out. I could not believe being in my late 40’s this could be happening to me. Every week I went in she asked if I had left and I hadn’t and she would say I was making excuses. It was finally when she tried to turn my kids on me and contacted my employer and told them I was having an affair that I mustered up the strength to pack my belongings and leave and file for divorce. I fell for the love bombing at the beginning and please men listen to your instincts. I would tell her when I first met her that I thought somebody planted her in my life as things were so perfect and moving quickly. Little did I know she planted herself. 2 Days after filing she was already on to the next victim or more than likely had them way before I walked out. These are definitely the hardest relationships to get away from but I encourage you to do it. I have gone no contact which was the only way as I was getting texts to come visit the cat or come over to get more of my stuff. Thankfully I started going to counseling to find out what was happening to me. They will make you feel like everything is your fault and that you are the cheater and lier and everything else. I wanted to share my story as I could not find very many from men and we need to be heard.

  4. RCS, Your description of her being “planted in your life” is spot on. My NPD ex planted herself in my life by stalking me online and changing her personality to fit mine so we could meet. That personality lasted about two years until I proposed to her. She shut down and I couldn’t do anything right after that. Agyei’s article is about 90% accurate in describing my ex’s behavior. Your description of therapy sounds similar to ours. I was eager to go to couples counseling to improve our communication problems but my ex had already visited our counselor four times on her own. Lord knows what she told her because When I showed up, I fell squarely in the crosshairs of the therapist. I tried to explain that my ex had 0 empathy but the therapist was firmly in my ex’s camp. Three sessions of one sided self-reflection and I had enough. It was obvious my ex was never going to be accountable for her own actions. That was 6 months ago and I still feel the pain of the heartbreak for the “fantasy” that was our relationship. I think this is more prevalent then the experts are leading on too and I am sickened that NPD has been removed from the latest DSM 5 manual because narcissistic behavior is so common now its not considered a disorder! What does that say about our society?! Its abusive, plain and simple and it needs to be brought to the publics attention. Men and women need to be heard.

  5. What the heck happened to me?? I met the woman of my dreams online and I am not sure what happened to me. I consider myself a pretty normal guy but have definitely found that I am co dependent and am working on that. Relationship started with incredible sex , best I have ever had and a woman that seemed to relate to everything I wanted. Steady life, being married, having a family with my 17 year old son. Always spoke about family and being with one man and how her previous ex’s had treated her badly. Spoke about raising her girls, being a childhood model, italian family in NY that was mafia, owning biz with previous spouse. college degree,,,my dream woman.Would tell me how I grounded her and was the only person that would sit and listen to her. Would send me texts and emails to the tune of 20-30 a day to tell me how much she enjoyed me/loved me. I would tell her that I thought she was a plant from my ex wife or someone as things were going so well so fast. I was in love before I knew it. Signs were there, legal problems cropped up but were never her fault, texts to men with graphic pictures and sexting but I was told it was nothing. Also, was always looking at porn sites and mostly S&M sites.Said it was during our short breakup, told me I could not speak with female friends because I had “done something with them” though there was no proof and no basis but i had all the texts and emails and Facebook messages she had sent to men. Drinking was off the charts. I was drinking more than I ever had in my life and I am not young,pushing 50. She would walk out of the grocery store if the self serve scanner was to slow. would walk out of restaurants if service was to slow, push people out of her way if they walked in front of her. Did I mention the drinking, would smack me, throw things at me, punch me, smash my belongings, throw my stuff away if it was left out.Started accusing me of cheating though I am the most loyal guy anyone could know. She would flirt with guys in front of me. Walked out of dinners etc with work colleagues and leave locations if I did not “show her respect and put her firstl Everything was black and white per her, no gray area. She would yell at me if I was a minute late picking her up from work, but if I had to wait for her it was expected whether it was 10, 20 30 minutes or an hour. If had to work more than one minute i would be screamed at. Then it was if I didn’t answer my phone she would tell me that she would turn the phone off if i didn’t call her right away. Then it was the internet,,if I didn’t answer my emails in 5 minutes the internet was going to get turned off. I work from home and make sales calls locally and would be petrified She would say if my son did not come from football practice at the time they said it was going to end she was going to go tell the coach that practice was over. If she called while I was making a sales call. She would call me and ask why i wasn’t home yet. I would be at home speaking with her and would say something wrong and she would go to the room or berate me or both. Then it was the name calling if I didn’t call her right away or did something she did not like. We tried to go to counseling but after a few sessions she quit and said she couldn’t relate to the counselor. Then she started emailing/texting co workers and telling them to not contact me anymore or she would turn them in to my superiors. I could not do anything correct and the relationship was feast or famine and always my fault. Criticized my driving, my cooking, my parenting etc. Actually married her as I kept getting the guilt trip that if I really loved her I would commit to her. I sacrificed every one of my morals and beliefs to be with this woman. She did not have a relationship with any of her family including her two daughters,. I would lie to cover up days she missed work, telling my kids where we were going, her resume, just about anything she asked. I would always be making excuses for her. My family would not speak to me, my friends were not engaged with me and I felt hopeless. She screamed at me for not calling her one night when I was at my family reunion and called me names etc. which wasn’t the first time. She actually came to my reunion and stayed in a separate hotel room. I knew things were not right and told her we needed to start separating things. i had gained 30 pounds, I could not work without interference from her, my job meant nothing, my blood sugar was super high as I was drinking with her just to appease her. I was miserable and could not figure out what was wrong with me. I had totally withdrawn from her and was sleeping on the couch as I just was not comfortable in the relationship anymore. I finally went to a counselor before divorcing and asked what the heck was wrong with me.. I was a happy go lucky guy and now I was a shell of a man. She told me I was being abused and had to get out. She said if I were of a different gender it would be a no brainer. I kept making excuses as I take marriage seriously and am not the type to just get up and leave. Even though everything was crap the good times were really good times. Things I had never done before and clicking on the things like I not had with anyone before. Finally I was having dinner with my boss one evening and I started receiving text messages. “I wouldn’t be too generous with your time, I’ve seen her, i know you its not her you are hanging out with. Then it was “should I send her an email to ask why she is keeping you out so late. then it was I can and then 7 minutes until I sent that email when I was on my way home. This does not include the events she showed up at just to be there. . The next day my boss told me that she had emailed all the leadership of the company and told them I was having an affair with her. She then told me it wasn’t the first time she had done it and that they knew they were dealing with someone that was unstable. Thankfully I did not lose my job. My heart dropped and I knew i had to do something. I packed up my clothes the next day and as my counselor had been saying I left and filed for divorce. I went 100pct no contact. If you are like me this could be one of the hardest things you do in your life. Since I filed for divorce I have found out she has an extensive criminal background, cornered my boss at a function and told her I would not be traveling without her and that I would work as much as she wanted me to work, been married 4 times now and everything she told me about her past was a complete lie. Nothing she had told me was the truth. All the time I was wondering what the heck happened to me. I had lost my friends, my family, my sanity, basically everything I had. I also found out two months before she had contacted my ex wife and told her I was cheating on her with my customers and that she was going to file for divorce but never did. She met with my college son and told him a bunch of garbage that wasn’t true. She had left nasty notes for my neighbors and sent texts to my family and never told me any of it. I almost got kicked out of my apartment due to her notes to my neighbors and calling them names. I had previously warned my family and my company about the impending change in my relationship at the suggestion of my counselor as she felt things could get volatile. Thank goodness I did. I have found out that this is standard procedure for her and within 48 hours of me filing she had another guy already which I am sure she had waiting long before I filed. What I don’t understand is that when I filed she acted so surprised and said I needed to come home and talk with her even though she had been speaking with my ex for over a month about divorcing me. After filing I started to receive text messages to come see the cat or come pick stuff up while she was home mail etc. She would not let me have the rest of my stuff as most of the belongings in the house were mine. I resisted all of it. I did file for a protection order when I filed for divorce but was rejected. She filed for one a month later based on false accusations with was eventually dismissed. I do know within 48 hours of me filing she had another guy and have heard from family this is normal for her as she has been very active sexually with men and women . I will tell you that no contact after being with someone for almost 3 years is the hardest thing I have every done in my life. I also know with my codependency it was the only way it would work as if she would have continued to contact me I probably would have succumbed. I have taken this opportunity to work on me and why I was attracted to this person to begin with and why I would sacrifice all my morals and beliefs to be with this person as it is evident that all the warning signs were there and i was going to be the one to fix her. Also, to be a 50 year old man and admit you were being abused is against the norm. Even after almost two months of no contact i still shudder when my phone rings during the day and when i talk to friends I wasn’t supposed to. Even her last note to me was very controlling/confusing. The demise of this marriage falls 100pct in your lap. This was ALL you. And somehow you still think that you have the right to treat me like shit. I was trying to be nice. I have been fair even when you don’t deserve it. Why can’t you act like and adult. We were in love once so stop acting like that did not happen. All the despicable things that you are and I still hold on those 12 days. I don’t know why you fight so hard to not be that guy. You have it in you, I know it. There is so much I don’t understand but I do know this, I want all this madness to end and if divorce is what YOU want, then so be it, but just know it is NOT what I want. I will let you go because I need peace. Being without you is not my need but yours.
    I am still struggling as I did get used to all the attention and now of course get none and do struggle with some guilt but also know I probably would have lost my job and my health if I would have stayed. I miss my wife but am beginning to understand that I probably miss the fantasy. I also struggle with displacing my son but know he had to see much of what was going on. I am not sure if she is BPD/NPD but I do know these are not “adult” actions.

    • I’m so sorry this happened to you. Thanks for sharing your story. Maybe this will help someone else whose in the same position as you were. I’m glad you were able to let her go. I hope things are going better for you now!

  6. I’m going through this now and the sad part is I knew all of this but I felt empathy and love for her. It’s like she only wants me when I’m mean to her or ignore her but When I’m sensitive or wanna have adult convo she thinks I’m being soft. Hypercritical also. She don’t wanna commit but don’t want me to date anyone either. Also always try to one up me. Tell me she hates me and leave and then lock the door from me leaving.

    • It’s absolutely amazing, that what you’ve written here, is PRECISELY without any discrepancy, what happened to me.
      Justin

  7. Just been dumped a week ago with some lines on facebook after a half year having a very intense relationship, with a women i was thinking by times she is the most amazing person i ever met and was capable of making me feel special like never before. Have been suffering from depression because it was all pretty intense and she demanded a lot of energy from me.
    Ofcourse when your are suddenly get dumped without any explenation it leads you wondering. Even after asking for some enlightenment why she dumped me so not get any answer and that is quit confusing. But reading more about people with narcism and this here it quit explains a lot and i feel i escaped quit big problems 🙂 Ofcourse she did not had all the signs of narcism but some of them and those are very strong in here. The big problems started when i felt a bit bad becouse i had some professional problems and i expected something energy back which she could not give and after i confronted here with it it was suddenly all over: blocked on facebook and never pick up the phone.
    Have been wondering how i could get it so far? Since the signs where already there and i started also feeling a bit depressed while being with here because looking afterwords she was not really treading me well and everything revolved around here making me feel very unwell. After some time i was not even myself but wel like stated:’ mesmerized by the short-lived memories of great sex and romance they once enjoyed’ Good i stood for myself because it seems for narcist the worst thing it seems you can do is confront them, i did this and got dumbed.
    Actually i also think for here the most important was here dog actually, that was here real hero!

  8. I have been married to a “Narcissistic Woman” for 35 years. We have a wonderful son together. I have played the cat and mouse game (her lovers) with her for years. She became a teacher at the age of 45 she is now 55. Shes attractive but still shows her age. For the last ten years I have watched her have affairs with another teacher and the janitor. her class room is in a building that is locked down so her and the janitor spend many later hours. When she comes home she smells like him.
    But last month I saw her hook up with one of her students after school. She denied she even saw the kid and I saw it with my own eyes.
    I ‘m a 65 year old disabled male and I cry everyday because I know I should do something but who do I tell and they would never believe me because I can’t prove it.
    She knows I know because I confronted her, but of course as always she says I’m the one that’s crazy.
    If she get caught and goes to jail it will destroy my son.
    I don’t know what to do next. HELP ME

    • Gary: Thanks for reading the article and for your heartfelt testimony. You seem to be in great pain from this ordeal and since I’m no expert on the topic, I strobgly suggest you speak with a counselor or tgerapist with the knowledge/tools to help you. Perhaps a marriage counselor or such. You will need to do this to have clarity, closure and peace. Best to you…

  9. my heart bleeds for all of us men who live with a narcissistic wife. We live in this world where everything bad is a male trait and we stoically go on being a father and husband trying to hold a family together.. after 25 years I realised too late that by holding the family together I was teaching my children that to be abused and criticised by your wife is the norm. If you want your way cold shoulder your husband. If I wished to do anything that she did not then I should be blocked by emotional tools. Am I too late to start a life with compassion, and being allowed to be compassionate.. may be but to those of you in the early stages of a marriage or a relationship with a narcissist then it will seem impossible but release yourself if only to let your children see another side to life and how to interact with others.

  10. I’ve looked at many articles and most of what you said is my wife of 20 years. I’m so desperate to see her in front of a counselor who can recognize her problems and maybe get her some help. We’ve been there before and she blames me and my childhood for everything and she hates or disliked my parents and sisters but says it is them that don’t like her. I have adult ADD which has its own set of problems and I admit I have cause problems in my life and marriage but I accept my faults as my own and dobwant help for them
    My wife does not accept fault for anything ,and we don’t own a home yet and every home I pick within our budget she won’t accept she wants 100,200, 300,000/$dollar homes we can’t afford that now to much debt. We make good money though we both work many extra hours but she never has any money left and I end up helping with her debt unable to keep up with mine. She doesn’t tell me what is do on household bills until its to late and then complains about hating her life and its not fair she deserves better. I can’t help if she doesn’t ask. I bought her a 35,000 car paid off in 3 years and paid off a 13000 car for myself in same 3 years. I bought her a 32,000 dollar truck she wanted and I drive 20 year old car that nickles me to death. Now she doesn’t want truck wrong color she insist she didn’t want it. No matter what I say or do I’m wrong it’s all me or in my head or I’m feeling guilty for what I did wrong. I eventuly had a brief sexual affair one night a week I ended it quickly accepted by blame for it .women was driving around my house leaving gifts on my car and writing letters to my wife. My wife still has those letters and when cleaning her file cabinet the other day pulled one out and said this is a letter saying you called the other women 4 years ago I asked to see it but she wouldn’t let me see it. I’m just sick of everything.

    • it is exactly what I have going thru for past 22 yrs..Sure hope you will be to pull off and live a better life as we all deserve to do so.

  11. It’s very interesting reading the comments. I have a sister who is a textbook version of a narcissist and she has put men through so much. In spite of it all, they still desire her and cater to her wants and needs. I actually sometimes wish I was more narcissistic because I find good men like these type of women.

  12. Wow!! I actually just came across all of this last week and my mind has been completely put at ease finally. After 2 1/2 years of being with a woman like this on and off…I went back 4 times after real breakups…not counting the several hundred along the way when I’d call her on her BS and stand up for myself, she was always quick to say we’re over. I am very self aware and I knew she was depressing me and I was loosing a lot of time trapped in my own head always wondering if it was right or wrong with her. I was losing my mind and of course it was worse when we did break up. I missed her like crazy…all the great memories and fun and it was the best sex of my life with her, what a connection. She always had me coming back for more. Always had me falling in love with her over and over and we’d be very happy, in love or what I thought was that and with in a week or two she’d start to change again. She’d be out of touch, disrespectful, uncaring, and of course she drank like a fish since I’ve known her. She’d get very angry like Jeckle/Hyde personality drinking and either very fun and loving or just a nasty bitch. I hated her when she was like that and I’d walk away because I felt she was an alcoholic. Then she’d sell me in that it’s opened her eyes, and she can’t lose me it will all change. Again…couple of weeks and the same patterns would start again…then the fights because I always would say something that I didn’t feel was rocking the boat…but she would come unglued. She was very private and isolated our relationship from her whole family/friends and this last time around she wouldn’t even save my name in her phone. She was always caught in a lie, very flirty, I don’t think she owned a shirt that actually covered her boobs, and always had guy friends that were her work colleagues and she needed them on her side. Total fantasy of taking her whole industry over, and I would see the manipulation of these people to suit her own needs and just thought she was a cleaver woman in a man’s industry trying to make a name for herself. I was her whole world at times because she couldn’t sustain any friends and that is when she was the most devoted..but as soon as anything came up for anybody or whoever I was dropped. She’d go out, not hear a peep from her which is fine…I go out without her and nonstop texting me or calling about any little thing. I was always respectful and got back with her, but with her it was me being insecure and needy if I said “how’s your night going, having fun”. That meant I couldn’t handle her doing something with anyone else and needed to check up on her. I kept playing that game, and now it’s been a month broken up and she is still playing it but I see right through it finally. This time I am truly done done and I can’t see that image of potential I always have held on to. The first long term break up I was miserable, sad, depressed because I felt we were so close to making it and then it all went away. I thought she was making the right changes and choices in life..then boom…gone…can’t deal the constant battles which she never took fault to, I was always to blame for it because I held her accountable for her actions. I tried dating..but all I could think about was her and then she would get drunk and call me and confuse me…get me on the hook and then be out of touch again every single time I met someone with potential. Like she knew…and maybe she did. So finally I broke down and we started talking again and there we were together again. Almost made it a year, then huge blowout fight on a cruise vacation we took with her folks. Of course things have been escalating with the fights, but things were good enough to go on this hoping it will fix things, at it was horrible. Broke up on the boat and because I finally had enough..blew up infront of her folks and then I just look like the asshole and it horrible. Then she ended up staying at my house when we got back like nothing happened. All was great, great sex, away from the family she pulled me back in and then decided she just can’t do it anymore. So again, I got left hanging with hope, still in love, and heart broken. That time..I did NC, told her don’t mess with my head…be done..be done and let me move on with my life. I did, I lost 40lbs, sold my house and bought my dream one, finally felt like myself again, happy, and did all this in 4 months without her in my life. Then a part of me still loved her and she had me so convinced I was the problem, so I called her again in September just to talk and let her know was confident and proud of what I accomplished and felt I didn’t give her my all because I wasn’t myself last year. So this time I set out and did everything right…I won her over again, she made me fall in love and I thought all was perfect..finally the timing is spot on and then the same pattern happened. I caught myself feeling depressed and lost again…she changed and the fights all started again. It was horrible but eye opening finally that it wasn’t me, it is her being incapable of sustaining a healthy normal relationship. There were nothing but excuses and I just keep fighting to know if she loved me or not, she would say it but the actions never followed, and I finally start seeing this. So I started my own breakup process within of letting go of all the good and potential, appreciate that I have her right now to hold and love because I know I will miss it, and every fight, every lack of respect, every ignored communication I sent to her, all just put up walls within me to put up the proper defenses to get out. Of course I’m sure she felt me distance and then she cut it off, but I got her to stay one more night with me as I knew it was the only way I could fully let go and be ok doing so…no more doubts..no more wonder, finally ok giving up on her. Since, she calls and texts and I blow her off. I got her the last bit of her stuff last week after reading up on this type of behavior and stood my ground. I could tell what she was doing, what she was needing, and I didn’t give an inch. I am very proud of myself. I can tell is bothered her and of course she is back to texting and calling again last night and this morning. I see through it all…can’t have me…wants me, has me pushes me away so she can keep coming back because I boost her up, and this time I won’t. I deserve better. She doesn’t even have a place in my heart any longer and thought about being friends with her until I read all of this..but no longer feel that way, not going to be used again by her. Wasted so much time and energy on her…still am apparently…but all in all it feels really good to see it for what it actually was and no longer have the wonder.

  13. I think men can be very easily manipulated by a narcissistic woman in a relationship. Men are basically simple creatures and are happy with a bit of female affection and sex.
    I think a narcissistic woman is a woman gone totally wrong. Everything that is normally so great for a man to be in a relationship with a woman, all those feelings and passions you get for her, she just uses for her own odd purposes.
    A woman can be a hugely powerful force for good in a mans life. She can make you want to be a really good person just to please her and that is amazing. But when a woman is gone wrong like that it all gets very strange and unhealthy.
    I think the best thing you can do is to notice what she is doing and realise that she does not have good intentions behind how she acts. When you notice what she’s doing she’ll start to back off the emotional manipulation and you’ll start to see whats really going on.
    Then maybe you can help her …..

  14. This is one of the best, if not the best articles written by a man about dating female narcissists. One thing I might also add is naricisstic womens inability to bond. You’ll notice the first time you have feelings for her and kiss her in a loving way. With a normal woman, there is a slight change. A slight difference in the way she looks at you. Or a smile. Or a kiss back. But with a narcissist woman, its like water rolling off a ducks back. You get the very distinct impression that they are cold individuals.

    OK, having said that, my narcissistic girlfriend gave so much in return, because is lovable. You have to know what to look for. Yes all that toxic drama is there. You cant stay with them. They cant stay with you.

  15. These women are toxic as toxic can be. Her name was Tracey and I endured pure unholy hell with my former Narcissist girlfriend for three years. Hell i I should not even consider it a relationship. The suffering and pain that woman inflicted was unlike anything I have never experienced before. All of this is so on point, what made it worse was not only was she a Narcissist she was also black…..with the rage that only a black woman can carry. Lord have mercy on my soul I loved that woman…but she left me in such a state. I have since moved on and have found peace. Brothers…..spread the word to all other brothers out there who are with those demons…RUN!!! run as fast and as far away as you can your soul depends on it.

    Brother Manny

  16. I am the wife at home whose husband has been involved with one of these women. I had no idea he was cheating until he told me-because she had threatened him with telling me herself. It had been going on for18 months when he confessed. He broke it off, a month later, he went back to her, even moved out. Days later, was back again and said it was over. Just recently found out he was seeing her again. And again he has broken it off. He has spent money on her when we had bills to pay at home. He has spent time with her while depriving me and the kids of his attention. I’m hurt and angry but I love him and want to stay together. It is becoming increasingly difficult, though. We tried to see a counselor. It did not really help, mainly I think because we’re in a death spiral now. I hate to admit that. But one can only take so much before the defensive wall won’t come down anymore. That is where I’m at. I cannot trust so how am I to feel open and intimate with him again? I don’t know what to do and I’m almost too tired to do anything at this point except watch our relationship of over 25 years die. I hate this woman! I am not a hateful person but I actually daydream of harming her. I won’t but man, I’d like to!

  17. My personal thought on the matter of narcissism is that there are FAR more walking around undiagnosed today than in previous decades and the number is rapidly increasing. I would also say the ratio of male to female narcissists is more like 50/50. Just my two cents.

  18. Hello, I am a 40 yr old woman who is married to a 36 yr old man. We have been together for 8 yrs, and married for 2 years. We met and fell in love pretty quickly, moving in together only 4 months after we met. During the first 3-4 years of our relationship, he cheated on me with 2 different women. One was his daughter’s mom, and the other was the sister of one of his childhood friends. When I found out, we were 3 years into the relationship and I was devastated. He did not want to end our relationship but I was so insecure after this happened that I could not believe anything that came out of his mouth anymore. I moved out into my own apartment and tried to restart my life without him. After being in my apartment for a couple of months, he called me asking for a second chance and said he could not live without me. I forgave him, or at least I thought I did. We were married that next year and he has tried everything in his power to prove to me that he is changed man for the last two years. I can honestly say he has been perfect since we have been married. The problem now is me. I still do not trust him totally and constantly accuse him of cheating or attempting to cheat every time he wants to hang out with friends without me. I get upset when he does not pick up his phone right away when I call and can be totally irrational at times, even though Im aware I am acting this way. I was never like this before he cheated on me. I got out of my previous relationship because he was jealous, controlling, and abusive. It seems as if my self-esteem has plummeted since he cheated on me and it has been very hard to get over. I love my husband and he has been nothing but accommodating, attentive, and sweet to me since our marriage, but I just cannot let the past go and I punish him with my insecurities often. I want to get over this and be happy in my marriage. Am I narcissistic?

    • Nikko: A person must be diagnosed by a professional to be considered narcissistic. I am no qualified to answer this. I think you should consider seeing a professional to determine this….

  19. Some parents who are narcissists deliberately try to undermine their kids and prevent them from developing healthy self esteem, self image, self respect, confidence, independence, and individuation. They do not want the kids to get ahead in life, but try to keep them behind, and some of those parents talk and behave in ways to suggest that the kid is being punished because they are guilty of great wrongs, and so they drive a sense of shame and guilt into the child as well. Anything the kid does or says that the parent does not approve of, the parent will hit the fan as if the world is going to come to an end, totally out of proportion and over the top anger, upset, rage, and it if so full of raw primitive emotion. It is the kind of emotional tone that might be appropriate if someone had just slammed into their car and wiped out their family, and they can turn it on an off in a flash, but it feels to the kid like they have just been run through with a sword.

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